When Kala was about 10 months old we were at the Carder house. I seem to remember that she was laying on the floor. A little boy was looking at her and I cant remember if he hit her or stepped on her, but whatever he did it was deliberate. (I am not bashing on the little boy or his parents at all). Well I cant remember if it was one of his parents or another adult said, you cant do that and explained to him that we dont hit or step on others, and then after the expanation that the boy was told to give her a kiss. Dave said something then that has always stuck with me, expecially in the last few monts when it has been Kala hitting or stepping on other little children. He said: You just taught him that he gets a kiss or a hug for deliberatevely hurting her! ( I hope this was a correct qoute)
So every once in a while Daves words come to my mind. I didnt necessarely agreee with him at the time. The little boy was probably about 19-20 months at the time. And I didnt see any better way to handle it.
Last night I read something that made me think of Daves word again. This is a qoute from Dr. Dobsons book, The Strong Willed Child:
A current example of permissive approcahes to child rearing is referred to as "positive discipline", or the "positive parenting" movement. It sounds good, but is little more than repackaged permissive claptrap. Consider the following advice, featured on the Oklahoma State Department of Healths "Positive Parenting Web Page. It reads:
" The goal of Discipline in not to control children and make them obey but to give them skills for making decisions, gradually gaining self-control, and being responsible for their own behavior. In stead of telling a child, "dont hit the kitty!" or "stop kicking the table", they suggest that parents say, " Touch the kitty gentle" or "keep your feet on the floor", the website goes on to assert that "Giving a child choices allows him some approprate power over his life and encourages decision making. " Parents are advised to" redirect" childish behavior. For example, if a child is throwing a truck around the house, instead of telling him to stop, they suggest you say to him, "I cant let you throw your truck, but you may throw the ball outside." Or if the child is kicking the door, you are to tell him, "you may not kick the door, but you may kick this ball or plastic milk jug." Their suggestion for dealing with willful defiance is to ignore it or to allow the child to engage in "something more Pleasant".
What ridiculos advice that is. Notice how hard the parent is supposed to work to avoid being the leader at home. Whats wrong with explaining to a child exactly what you want him or her to do and expecting obedience in return? Why is it unacceptable for a parent to insist that a child engaging in destructive or irritating behavior immediately cease and desist? Why not tell the child, "you will not hit the kittie?" A youngster whose parent has never taken charge firmly is being deprived of a proper understanding of his moms or dads authority. It also keeps him from comprehending other forms of authority that will be encountered when he leaves the safety of his permissive cocoon. Sooner or later, that boy or girl is going to bump into a teacher, a police officer, a Marine Corps Drill sergeant, or an employer who never heard of positive discipline and who will expect orders to be carried out as specified. The child whoe has only heard "suggestions" for alternative behaviorthrough the years, which he may choose to accept or reject, is not prepared for the real world.
Ok, the parent I referred too didnt give the child a suggestion like that article is about. But if I get what DR. Dobson is saying he got a reward for bad behavior. I am probably guilty of giving Kala a reward for this kind of behavior numerous times in the last 2 and a half months since I brought Noah home from the hospital. So my understanding is that I should say, dont hit your brother.! Nothing else and if she still hits him she should be punished!? But no "redirecting"? That alters my whole parenting believe system!!!
I think I am going to call Dave up and ask him what he ment by that comment, if he even remembers it!!! I really want to do what will benefit Kala in the future, she is a very strong willed little girl and I know I am going to need some better tactics then what I am doing right now. Well, thats why I am reading DR. Dobsons book!!!
So every once in a while Daves words come to my mind. I didnt necessarely agreee with him at the time. The little boy was probably about 19-20 months at the time. And I didnt see any better way to handle it.
Last night I read something that made me think of Daves word again. This is a qoute from Dr. Dobsons book, The Strong Willed Child:
A current example of permissive approcahes to child rearing is referred to as "positive discipline", or the "positive parenting" movement. It sounds good, but is little more than repackaged permissive claptrap. Consider the following advice, featured on the Oklahoma State Department of Healths "Positive Parenting Web Page. It reads:
" The goal of Discipline in not to control children and make them obey but to give them skills for making decisions, gradually gaining self-control, and being responsible for their own behavior. In stead of telling a child, "dont hit the kitty!" or "stop kicking the table", they suggest that parents say, " Touch the kitty gentle" or "keep your feet on the floor", the website goes on to assert that "Giving a child choices allows him some approprate power over his life and encourages decision making. " Parents are advised to" redirect" childish behavior. For example, if a child is throwing a truck around the house, instead of telling him to stop, they suggest you say to him, "I cant let you throw your truck, but you may throw the ball outside." Or if the child is kicking the door, you are to tell him, "you may not kick the door, but you may kick this ball or plastic milk jug." Their suggestion for dealing with willful defiance is to ignore it or to allow the child to engage in "something more Pleasant".
What ridiculos advice that is. Notice how hard the parent is supposed to work to avoid being the leader at home. Whats wrong with explaining to a child exactly what you want him or her to do and expecting obedience in return? Why is it unacceptable for a parent to insist that a child engaging in destructive or irritating behavior immediately cease and desist? Why not tell the child, "you will not hit the kittie?" A youngster whose parent has never taken charge firmly is being deprived of a proper understanding of his moms or dads authority. It also keeps him from comprehending other forms of authority that will be encountered when he leaves the safety of his permissive cocoon. Sooner or later, that boy or girl is going to bump into a teacher, a police officer, a Marine Corps Drill sergeant, or an employer who never heard of positive discipline and who will expect orders to be carried out as specified. The child whoe has only heard "suggestions" for alternative behaviorthrough the years, which he may choose to accept or reject, is not prepared for the real world.
Ok, the parent I referred too didnt give the child a suggestion like that article is about. But if I get what DR. Dobson is saying he got a reward for bad behavior. I am probably guilty of giving Kala a reward for this kind of behavior numerous times in the last 2 and a half months since I brought Noah home from the hospital. So my understanding is that I should say, dont hit your brother.! Nothing else and if she still hits him she should be punished!? But no "redirecting"? That alters my whole parenting believe system!!!
I think I am going to call Dave up and ask him what he ment by that comment, if he even remembers it!!! I really want to do what will benefit Kala in the future, she is a very strong willed little girl and I know I am going to need some better tactics then what I am doing right now. Well, thats why I am reading DR. Dobsons book!!!
posted by Sara @ 1:43 PM
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